Emery's memorial balloon release

Today was Emery's memorial.  It is so weird to think that he should be 5 and a half weeks old!  As I have gone back and forth feeling like I missed out and life isn't fair some days. Other days are spent feeling so lucky and so thankful for having a son who touched so many lives and inspired so many people.  He has inspired me to do so much with my own loss, and opened my eyes to the large group of people who have lost their babies too.  Losing a child is like nothing you could imagine, it is a crazy roller coaster of ups and downs weather you had the time to prepare for it or not.  I am thankful to have known of his diagnoses so I had months to plan for everything to turn out just how I wanted them to.

Life isnt fair and no one should have to lose a child, for any reason but sometimes it happens.  I lost my son to a fatal birth defect, I couldn't have done anything differently it is just the way things end for some reason.  I remember getting the news that something might be wrong with my baby.  It was a down syndrome test and I remembered wondering if I could handle it.  Then I started thinking about spina bifeda and thinking how strong all those parents have to be to take care of sick kids.  I only had experience taking care of a healthy one, one who had hardly ever even had a fever or thrown up.  Once we had the ultrasound and I knew that my son was never going to be able to live a normal life, or even one more then just a brief period, my world turned upside down.  I suddenly thought I would want to be a parent of a kid that was alive, whether he was sick or not.  He was my first son and I just couldnt let him go.  I was told I had 2 weeks to decide if I wanted to abort or not, but how could I?  I just had started to get to know him, I certainly wasnt ready to say goodbye.

Every day I became closer to my little boy.  I began to know that no matter what the doctors said he had a personality.  Every morning I would wake up before the rest of my family and go and listen to music, just me and Emery.  I loved those times we spent together.  At night I would wrap my arms around my growing belly as I fell asleep and hold him the best as I could in my arms.  My son got the hiccups and would throw himself around when they went on to long.  He would lay really still when his daddy talked to him, but bounced all over if he stopped.  I know he was getting to know us too.

They told me anencephaly would make him blind, deaf and unable to feel pain (or anything else).  But to me he seemed just like a normal baby growing in there, it was hard to believe anything was wrong.  I prepared for any of the outcomes.  Whether he was born sleeping, or he lived for a while I was prepared to handle anything that came our way.  I just wanted to see his face and hold him in my arms.
The 11 minutes alive were something I always will love.  He got a birth certificate, and with him being alive we were able to donate his heart valves which will be used to save 2 other babies lives.

I will always appreciate my son. I am glad we gave him a birthday, and werent the ones to pick when his life was over.  This blog was for me to write and remember all the moments we had with him, and maybe to let some other parent know they arent alone.  Many people are too afraid to talk about losing a baby or a child but I want people to know its ok to be sad,mad, angry, happy or anything else.  I have been honest every step of the way, no matter what I felt.  Losing a baby is like nothing else and words and feeling cannot describe it.

If you are visiting the blog because you found cards from his balloon release I would love to know where you found it if you want to comment!!

We love you and miss you Emery yesterday today and always.  2-6-13 <3 

picture taken by Ginger with NILMDTS.