Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Life before YOU

Even though it was just a short time ago, it is hard to imagine my life without you.  A year ago I was getting bi-weekly blood tests to make sure HCG levels were staying down.  Every time I went in, anxiously waiting to hear what the results would be.  I was so stressed I dropped some of my classes for the semester and just focused on 6 credits and working part time.  I felt as if I was dragging myself through days, barely motivated, just feeling mostly stuck.  I don't really like the city I am living in, and I was unsure I really wanted to stick to my major.  Now looking back God  must have known I was just making it through the day by day, waiting for something more.
In just a few short months I had YOU to look for.  I thought about both my kids growing up together, and how wonderful my daughter would do taking care of (and picking on) a younger sibling.  After I saw your heartbeat the day I knew about you, I knew YOU had a strong one.  From the start I had a feeling you were a boy.  When I was told that you were I was so happy though not really surprised.  I bought a few things during the next week, excited for my first son. But only a few days after I knew my son was on his way, I also found out how short his life would be.  The night I found out I sat there asking myself how could it be?  That strong little heart beat didn't seem to know anything was wrong.  You just bounced around my belly, enjoying our time together.  I readjusted to what it meant to be giving birth to a baby who wont survive.  I knew I had to see your face, and tell you happy birthday, but how do you plan for your baby to die?
But plan I did.  Much of my daily life revolved around planning for you.  Everyone plans for their baby to arrive, and I did just that, though preparations were different.  I didn't plan a nursery, knowing if you didn't come home how it would kill me to look at.  Plus I had your sister to think about, I had to prepare her for the worst, and hope for the best, knowing it would be much easier to tell her you were doing well.
Before I had YOU I never thought about what it was to love your child.  I knew I loved my daughter and would give up my life for her, but this brought me a new understanding of a mothers love.  I had to accept that it would be best to make his life comfortable, and that sometimes things our just out of our hands.  I had to learn as a mother you can't fix everything for your kids, sometimes things are just bigger then a scrape.  I learned to love you in a different way.  I cherished my pregnancy, every moment of it.  As long as I felt you I felt happy knowing you were safe.
Before YOU I was completely unaware the strength I held inside.  I didn't know how much strength I had in my relationships with the people in my life too.  I was always wanted to do or handle things on my own.  But as you plan for the death of a child you must learn to lean on others.  You brought strength in the relationship between your dad and I.  Sometimes trauma rips families apart, but we cared for and relied on each other more then ever.
Before YOU were here I thought I was a pretty good mom.  My daughter has all she needs or wants, I play with her and spend lots of time teaching her.  You taught me you can always be better.  You can love stronger, play harder and cherish every moment, that you never realized how special it was.  Realize how lucky you are to have a beautiful, smart, caring, healthy child at your home.
Before I knew of YOU, I would have never thought I could share my feelings.  Put them out there for so many people to read.  And if I ever did who would care.  I didnt know how many people in this world who have lost a child, and even those who haven't could be touched by another families journey to get their son to Heaven.  I carried you with you for such a short time, but look how many lives you touched baby!  Thank you for letting me share you and the inspiration you brought to this world.  God sent you to me to care for so briefly, knowing how great your little life would be.
You taught me to value each day.  You taught me how to let others help me.  You taught me it is ok to be vulnerable and sad, because I am not the only person in the world feeling this way!  You taught me motivation in my life.  You showed me how important family is.  You brought me back to God, because how could I not  believe someone had greater plans for you.  Your life was not how I planned it would be, but YOU had some other plans. You brought us to the organ donation place, so you could save 2 other babies.  What a special  gift you are to this world.  Whenever I feel sad or lonely, wishing you were here I just need to remember the impact you have had.  I love you Emery, and I am so proud of YOU.  Thats what every mother wants right?  To be proud of their son?  Well little boy I am proud!!
What a year it has been and I cant even remember how I got through life before YOU.

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