February 3rd at 11 o'clock I got to the hospital to start my
induction. It was so hard to get in, I was even running late because it
was such a pain to get in with all the doors locked and no one knew where I
should have gone. I got up to labor and delivery and they set me up in a
room, down a hallway they never use, in the room at the end. I had
already requested a room far away from all the other mothers. They let me
wear my own clothes, just a lose fitting dress. It was so much better
then a hospital gown, and I looked like a tent in it, but hopefully in a cute
way :)
They started the induction by putting pills on my cervix to help
dialate me. I had contractions through the night and they kept checking
to see if I was ready for pitocin. By 1 the next day they finally started
pitocin. Things progressed SO slowly. Our whole family was in the
room with us (normal hospital policy is 4 people besides mom) Everyone
laughed and joked...and ate in front of me! I was allowed breakfast and I
secretly had a half of a sand which at lunch. I was suppose to not eat so
when I wanted my epidural I could get it without the worry of being sick.
Hours went by and by the evening my contractions started to get
pretty uncomfortable. I decided to get an epidural since they were only
about a minute apart and I couldn't sit and have a conversation with anyone any
more. All the family left and went to the waiting room. They came
in to do my epidural, and after much convincing they allowed my husband to stay
in the room with me. He sat in front of me and held my hands, and I am SO
glad he fought to be in there. The person putting the epidural
in told me that I would feel a pinch and that was it. No it felt like he
stabbed my in the spine, then he stuck it in and it sent shooting pains all
over the right side of my body. I told him and he tried to fix it.
He got to a point where it didn't hurt and tried a test dose.
Everything wet running down my back and after all that work was clearly
not in place. He pulls it out and starts over, more pain lots of moving
and by this point I was crying. It hurt a lot, and I was SO stressed out
it took him so long between the 2 epidurals I was so frustrated. Well I
get back to bed and lay down, I am a little numb, but mostly it
hadn't really helped.
By that night some family members were starting to leave. It
was late, and had been a long day. People had work in the morning and
needed to get back. My grandparents went home and all that was left was my mom
and dad, my mother in law, my brother and my daughter, who had refused to leave
the hospital. After trying to camp out in the waiting room the hospital
offered them a room. My daughter had a bench, my mother in law and
brother had chairs that converted to beds (the same thing my husband spent his
time in.) And my parents had 1 labor and delivery hospital bed, for the 2
of them to share.
During the night while they were all sleeping my water broke.
I kept waiting and waiting for things to progress, but nothing did.
I slept when I was able, but was up most all of the night. My
husband slept fine though :)
Next morning I woke up in tears. My epidural had given up
and they had 2 options, remove my epidural and place a new one, or remove it
and try different pain management which may or may not work. I was scared
to get an epidural again after how bad he hurt me, that and it didn't work
after 24 hours. I asked the nurse what she recommended and she said to
get a new epidural. That she didnt think the other medicine would help
and occationally epidurals just dont work quite right. I trusted her
because she had already been my nurse and was so amazing to me, so we went with
trying another epidural, as long as it would NOT be the same person.
The anesthesiologist came up and said are you pushing your button??
UGH YESS! That stupid button didn't work, and what they give you in
the initial dose is stronger and has different meds then what the button gives
you. She said before she agreed she wanted to test me first. She blocked
my legs from my sight with a pillow and asked me to tell her if I felt anything
and what and where it was. She starts poking me with a needle. I
told her and she seemed shocked that I was right. So she went and grabbed
her stuff and came back. She refused to let my husband stay, I told him
it was ok, the nurse was staying and she would hold me, so my husband agreed.
The nurse was great, she held me up and was so nice, but once again more
epidurals, more problems. She poked me once and right away said that
isn't in the right place we need to start over. She she starts again.
Gets it in, without pain, and I lay back down. I was feeling better
but I never actually was numb like you should be. But I couldn't feel the
contractions so they said it was working fine.
They kept increasing pitocin throughout the day. Most of the
way through the day I was stuck at 4cm. I am staving and thirsty and not
allowed to be eating, or drinking. I was sneaking small amounts of water,
and some ice chips. I have never heard of someone not being able to even
have ice chips. I needed something though my mouth was so dry! But
I didn't eat! After a long day of getting no where while I had constant
contractions they decided to call the doctor. It had been hours of
contractions with no rest time between. Contractions should have been 2-3
minutes apart and mine ended and immediately started again.
They decided to stop pitocin, wait a few hours and go back to the pills
that open your cervix.
That night our families went "home". My parents
stayed with my grandparents, and my mother in law with her brother.
Everyone was near by, and on call incase we needed them. They gave
me a pill late that night and then checked me to see where I was 4 hours later.
It had worked, brought me from a 4 to a 6! Thank goodness
for progress! So they decided to do another one. I had
gotten another epidral that morning too. This time the nurses got the
doctor to come and do it. Right away when he saw my back he said,
"no wonder you don't feel better, this can't possibly work like
that." But he did my epidural, in the dark in just a few minutes!
I instantly felt numb and a little bit sick. I knew it was working
FINALLY. After a while they checked me to see if the pill had helped..no
change, how frustrating!! Also I was starting to feel a lot more pain
again. I asked if they could come have the doctor re-dose my
epidural(they come back and put in a stronger medication. They told me
not yet. So I was stuck with the stupid button that had the different
medication and it did NOTHING.
At this point the doctors and nurses were talking about how real a
need for a c-section was becoming. I was at a huge risk for infection
being in labor that long, not to mention how long it had been since my water
broke. Also the pain medicine kept wearing off, and truthfully I hadn't
progressed much in the days since I got there! Obviously my body wasn't
doing what it needed and the medicine wasn't working. After talking to my
midwife she said to keep pushing pitocin. I also found out too much pitocin and
it could rupture my uterus. I was crying. I hurt, I was exhausted
mentally, physically and emotionally, and I was mad they would put me at risk
for never having more kids. My dad came in and told me that if I wanted
to get the c-section to go for it. I thought about it, talked to my
husband and decided we really should do it.
My nurse came in and I told her our decision. I also told
her my midwife was going to be mad. The nurse told me don't worry she was
on my side and the midwife could yell at her if she wanted to yell at someone.
The doctor approved my c-section and they brought me my paperwork to
sign. As I signed the paperwork I told my nurse my hip hurt..really really
bad, like it was going to break. Then my water REALLY broke. I had
no idea it hadn't broken completely but apparently there can be
multiple bags of water. I instantly felt better. At the same time
my midwife came into the room and said "I hear your going with the
c-section." I said yes, and the nurse told her I had just lost a ton
more fluid. The midwife checked me and told me that I was 9 cm and this
baby was coming now..no c-section he was on his way. After hours and
hours of no progress and days of hardly any in just a moment I went from one
extreme to the other.
Everyone seemed to fly around the room as they got things
together. My husband ran out and told our families that we weren't having
a c-section after all that he was coming now!! I think they were as
shocked as I was. He came back in the room in time for them to tell me
next contraction you need to push!! I asked for a water(I hadn't been
able to drink since monday!), had a sip and then had to push. He got
stuck though. He had some HUGE shoulders and one got caught. The
midwife couldn't get him out. The doctor came running in and worked her
magic and got him out. They put him straight on my chest and one nurse
listened for his heartbeat. He was still hanging on. I got to hear
it and then my husband did too. I am so thankful to the nurse for handing
us the stethascope! His heart beat for a few minutes but he never took a
breath. I held him in my arms for every beat his heart had. But he was
beautiful. My husband went and told everyone the mom's could come in,
since I was getting stitches ect. We wanted to share him right
away.
After the doctor had finished up with me they allowed the rest of
my family to come in. All at once. Most of the time its 4 visitors
including dad, but as I said I had amazing nurses. Everyone took a turn
holding him and loving him. It didn't matter that he didn't breathe he
was just as loved. There were many tears as everyone looked at how
perfect his tiny body was. I didn't cry though. I was happy. My son
had taught us and many around us so many things and so many people loved him, I
was just happy. Everything worked out beautifully the whole day.
The pastor came in and said a prayer and baptized him. I looked
around the room as everyone cried watching such a bittersweet moment.
After he was baptized we gave him a bath. Normally they are done in
the nursery but they brought all of the things in our room and even brought it
by my bed so I could help. My husband and I wiped him down and laughed
about how incredibly hairy he was. As we were bathing him he photographer
came in. She took so many pictures that I am so anxious to see. She
brought him a bear, and took her time doing all the pictures. I know
Emery loved that little bear, any time we had the bear in his lap his fingers
were around it, though we never put it that way.
While all this is going on, and we are finding ways to love and
appreciate our son, the nurse comes in and tells me she needs to talk to me.
She found out that he was eligible to donate his heart valves
and wanted to know if we wanted to do that. We said of course!
It meant that he could be with us until 11pm then had to go. We
spent every moment up until then loving him. We did hand prints and foot
prints, and clay molds. We took tons of pictures and tried to remember every
single thing about how he looked. My husband cried and snuggled him in
the chair, I just smiled. I was genuinely happy. I got to hold him,
love him, kiss him and seeing my husband so in love with him was amazing.
I held my angel and he was the most beautiful thing I had seen.
I will miss my son every day of my life but can be happy and proud of
what a huge impact he had on so many people, especially his parents.
We love you Emery Iris. Forever you will be loved and missed. Thank
you for changing the world baby boy, you are such a special gift. 2/6/2013
His brand new little toes.
Exactly what I guessed he would weigh
His sweet little hand
My beautiful son.
Getting handprints done
Holding his bear
In our lives for just a moment, but changed forever
Dad snuggling his son.
So sweet, you can see all the love.
My little boy
I love this picture, he love Emery so very much.
His hairy ear and shoulder
Mom Snuggling Emery
His fresh little fingers
