Mother's Day

It has been quite a while since I have written, though I think about Emery every day our lives have been so incredibly busy.  Today though I am reminded about how much my son changed my heart.  

It is my second Mother's Day since I held my little boy, and I sit here and try to remember how he felt in my arms.  Most mothers spend this day hugging their children, updating everyone with new pictures and showing off their babies. Angel moms though spend the day looking through old pictures and trying to remember every moment they can.  All the moments are already memories, no new pictures waiting to be captured.  Mother's Day can be one of the harder holidays.  It's a holiday dedicated to celebrating you but without babies it's not a holiday for you. So when your baby is gone it's a time that is accompanied by some sadness.

I miss my son today.  I miss how he felt in my arms.  I miss being pregnant with him, and getting to know the amazing little boy he was.  He changed my life and things will never be the same.  I learned a new kind of love and about how completely you can fall in love even when they are not around each day.  My son has given me so much, a new appreciation for life, God and my family. And now because of my son (yes I really believe this) I have 2 beautiful newborns keeping me busy.  If it hadn't been for our hello and goodbye with Emery, we wouldn't have these babies.  I know he knew how much we missed him and he picked out the perfect little sisters.  The way they stare at his pictures just make me even more sure they know who he is.  They brought a new brightness into my life and into my Mother's Day.  And though my arms may be full now there is always a place in me for Emery.  He felt different in my arms, somehow they knew they were holding and angel, and that feeling will never be replaced no matter how many times I rock his sisters the same way I rocked him.

I miss him so very much, today and all days. I am so thankful for him and for the guardian angel I know he is to all 3 of his sisters.

I love you Emery. Thank you for letting me be your mom!

All 4 of my babies.  

Happy Birthday

11:55 am.  February 6th 2013 I gave birth to my son.  After 61 hours of labor he finally made his entrance.  I was thankful for my long labor, thankful I had more time before I had to say goodbye.  As they laid him on my chest the nurse handed me her stethoscope, so I could listen to his precious heart beat.  What a moment, though my son didnt take a breath, or move on his own he was alive.  That little heart that fought so hard over the past few days to keep on going still held on strong to meet his mom and dad.  I passed the stethoscope to my husband and watched the excitement on his face, the love in his eyes as he looked at his son.  We talked about how long his hair was and how many rolls this little baby of mine had.  Over the next few minutes his heartbeat began to fade out.  11 minutes my baby boy lived on this earth with us, but that was all he needed.  He got what he came her for, the love of his parents.  His heart may have beaten for the last time in my arms, though one day it will save another precious baby.  That baby will carry a piece of my son forever, not that they need to know it, but I will know it.
Throughout his birthday the rest of the family got to meet Emery.  He got baptized and we got to give him a bath.  It was a beautiful day.  Though there were tears I was so happy to look around this hospital room and see everyone smiling.  It was a day about love, and about family and it was so peaceful.  Without us knowing time quickly faded away.  By the evening time it was just Emery, his dad and I again.  We talked to him, held him and loved him.  Stamped hand prints and footprints and tried to memorize every inch of our amazing little boy.  We got 12 hours with out son.  As the nurse came in to take him away it was nearly impossible to give him up.  I wanted to stay in that moment with him forever.  But I knew by saying goodbye at that point another baby would get a piece of his strong heart, and for me that was worth it.  His life would touch a strangers, and keep them from having to say goodbye the way that we were, what an incredible gift.
An hour after we had said goodbye we walked to the nurses station, we wanted to show the nurse who had helped us how the 3d mold of Emery's hand turned out.  Every detail, the lines, the fingernails it was prefect.  We got up to the nurses and she had gone on lunch break.  They told me they had all been touched by Emery, even the ones who werent in the room.  I guess when my nurse had left the room with him she walked out to the nurses station and rocked him.  So touched by the impact he had left that she wasnt ready to say goodbye either.  The other nurses all took a turn holding him too before they actually left the floor.  Though slightly jealous they got a little extra time with him I was so touched that they cared about my baby boy so much.  I still think of them often and know they are there for all the other moms, in happy times and sad.  I am so thankful they were there for me.
As this past year has flown by and I think of the time I had with my son I am somewhere between happiness and sadness.  Sad it has been a year since I got to hold him, touch him and kiss him.  But I am so happy for the lessons he taught me, and the blessings that have come from his life.  As I go through what I am sure will be a roller coaster of emotions today I know I have an amazing guardian angel watching out for his family.  I know he is celebrating with the angels, and watching us celebrate here without him.
Thank you Emery for being my son.  For touching my heart and showing me how beautiful life can be.  I miss you today and every day.  Happy birthday, and first year in Heaven.